Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Still dying that you shit outside
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize