My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize