eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
