I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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