I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
