Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
