why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
