Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
