anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
