one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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