I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
