apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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