I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize