You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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