I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
