I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
