There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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