no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize