literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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