I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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