yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
