You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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