a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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