i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
