1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
