I think my vagina is haunted
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
did i walk over a car last night?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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