Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
