Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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