I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
