Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
