halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
