Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
