I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
high people should be assigned attendants
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
