can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
