can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
