My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
