I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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