the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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