New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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