i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
