how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
