i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
