my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
