Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
