i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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