So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
