He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
