hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Is it because I queefed?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
