1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
