Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
