I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize