I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
