Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
