Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
