I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
