wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i wish my penis had a tongue
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
