Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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