God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
