Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
