You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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