If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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