I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
