the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
