BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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