don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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