Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
