Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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