Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
