grandma shit on top of the toilet
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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