I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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