this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I lost the right to judge tonight
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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