I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
