you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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