her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
