on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
