im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
